I’d be boarding a plane in less than 48 hours to head back to AZ. I remember being in my grandparents’ home in Flora Vista NM, enjoying the last of the cousin time I would be getting until Spring break. My dad called me to the kitchen table and asked if there was something I needed to talk about. See just 24 hours earlier I had kind of hinted to his girlfriend April that I wasn’t safe to go home. Sitting at the kitchen table with dad was the last moment I remember before arriving at child haven for the beginning of what felt like a never-ending process. When you are in an interview, they walk you down what seems like the longest hallway before you enter a white, cold room with 2 chairs and a lot of video cameras. My dad was unable to stay there during the interview process, so It was just me and the stranger in front of me for the next several hours. After leaving child haven, I remember my dad telling me I wasn’t going to be able to go home. What I know now is that he was told if I went home, there was a good chance I would be picked up by AZ CYFD dept and taken into custody, so he very selfLESSly kept me here. I was ok with that though because I was a momma’s girl!! I knew She would find out what had been going on and she would be here to get me in just a few days and life would be right back to normal. Then My mom didn’t come, and She didn’t Leave my stepdad! I realized NOTHING was ever going to be the same. What the heck was wrong with me? Why would she choose him and not me and why was I being punished for what this man did? How was she going to live her life without her daughter? What the heck was happening? I mean I loved my daddy don’t get me wrong, but I wasn’t a daddy’s girl by any stretch of the imagination. It didn’t matter. I started a new life in Farmington NM with a dad I hadn’t spent more than 12 weeks with at a time since I was three, 4 outfits and small suitcase. Sadness, confusion, anger, fear, abandonment, loss, nervousness all enveloped me. What were the next several weeks going to look like? I was leaving a full sister and my momma and when would I see them again? A new school? ALL new friends? Interviews with more detectives? Living with my dad forever? The world was spinning, and I was stuck in a thick fog. Have you ever felt so many emotions that you can’t put your finger on just one? This was that moment for me and although I went to counseling and therapists, my life was still a ginormous mess.
I think that we often go through the motions and we’re expected to pick up and move on. We want to put on this façade that everything is great, and we have it together. Social Media has only fueled the issue. If we are hurting or have some hiccups in our lives it somehow makes us less than. “We don’t air our dirty laundry.” You don’t have to have a traumatic experience to get what I am talking about. Maybe it’s the kids, the house, the job or maybe the spouse that are causing you some major anxiety. Its ok to admit you are struggling. Its ok to cry and PTL because I am about at the point of just not wearing mascara anymore. I cry at everything these days. Anyways, my sweet family was just chuggin’ along on the “poop in a group” train and I came in blazing on the “Hot mess Express” and I still sit in the captain seat with the petal to the metal most days. Life just hasn’t been roses and butterflies for me and honesty I am ok with that. I know my precious daddy (that I am quite smitten about these days btw) has enjoyed the last few years of my less crazy side. But honestly my walk with Christ wouldn’t be what it is today, and I am not certain I would have the desperation for the lord had I not walked some tough paths. Beth Moore says, “Sometimes I am a little blonder than I pay for!” and I get that! It just takes me a little longer to get it sometimes, but I can love people in difficult situations because of it. God has been so good to allow me to use these moments of unrest to speak life into others who have also been severely hurt or are just struggling through their days. I so hope you will join me through the rest of the journey of how I arrived here today. Then after that, the good, bad and funny of the day to day life moments we all face just trying to survive in this world! Go be the light that this world so desperately needs!