So, life in the big town of Farmington NM was off to a rough start. I look back on that time and as much as there was chaos, there was love. It has taken me years to see this, but I had a daddy that essentially had his own life here as the asst principal of FHS and overnight he went from bachelor, to full time dad. No one warned him. No one asked him how he felt about it, but he never once flinched to the idea of keeping me here and keeping me safe. After about the first year, things began to simmer down, and we began trying to find our new normal. I remember my dad saying the one rule we needed to have is that we would fight and disagree but at the end of the day, we would always love one another.
The phone interviews, first phone call with mom and sister, new school, new friends, new home all came as expected but what I wasn’t expecting was to feel this huge hole missing from my soul. Of course, I missed my momma and my older sister, but it was something bigger than that. Something that I struggled with for so long was feeling dirty and used up. Trust me, I was fully aware that what had happened to me was dirty and gross but as odd as this is going to sound, I desired the pleasure. Not from him, but in my life. That compounded the feeling confusion and dirtiness. I certainly didn’t want people to know that I was feeling that because remember? I had it all together now. We were moving on! I maybe needed not pleasure as much as affirmation that I was loved and needed still. What better way than with sex? I started fooling around with boys in junior high and when I was 14, I left behind the foreplay for full blown intercourse. We will call him Joshua and I thought he was wonderful. He was strikingly handsome, the captain of the football team at the high school and he was experienced. I was a Kelly Green, president of my freshman class, good student and on a mission to be at Texas Tech in 4 short years. We began having sex within the first month of our relationship and it never slowed down. Before I knew it, we were hanging out for hours at a time and hardly speaking because we were to busy messing around. September, one year later, I was 15-years old. I went to a friend’s house on my lunch break to take a pregnancy test. I will never in a million years forget the silence and rush of emotions once again as that pregnancy test slowly, but surely, said POSITIVE! The next few weeks were no less emotional than the weeks following child haven 4yrs earlier. We were facing another life changing event in this unplanned pregnancy and knew only one thing for sure. We were going to be together and we were going to have this baby. Turns out that is way easier said than done. (if you are a teenager who thinks they are ready to be an adult and have sex, keep reading the next several blogs.) My sweet daddy wept in his room loud enough I could hear. I had devastated this man with my choices and somehow sex was again the root cause of our sadness. My mom, trying to protect me in her own way, was certain abortion was the answer. People have asked me why I didn’t do that, and the truth is that it just wasn’t even an option that crossed my heart. My mind? Maybe… but never my heart. I was old enough to know that sex created life and I was ready to lay in the bed I had made. So, you can only imagine how hard it was to face my teammates, classmates and dear friends over the next few weeks. The day after I announced to my team I was pregnant, I arrived at school and it was almost as though I was stuck in a bad teen movie during the slow motion scene. Silence fell over the parking lot as I got out of my car. There were crowds of students all over and I walked to class all on my own that morning while whispers and rumors filled the hallways. The principal’s daughter was pregnant. (GASP)Christmas that year, I was ready to call high school quits. I no longer had anything in common with the kids at the school. I was planning a wedding in January and a precious baby girl in June. They were planning outfits for the next dance routine and who they were going to lunch with that day. It all happened so fast and before I knew it, I was a 16yr old high school dropout, a momma to Jadyn and a wife to Joshua living in a small apartment wondering how in the hell I got there. Again, WHY ME!! Life was changing dramatically once again! Joshua worked hard for our little family and did his best to grow up quickly. As much as we both loved Jadyn and I believe really cared for one another, I was too young and dumb to know you were supposed to water your own grass instead of longing for the grass on the other side. Shortly after Jadyn turned 1, I filed for divorce. I was on a mission to find that happiness and satisfaction my heart and soul so desperately longed for. The crazy train was just getting started…
Remember how I told you the rule dad and I made about getting angry with one another but always ending the day with Love ❤️? Y’all that isnt just earthly! Our Heavenly Father may get sad when we aren’t living for him and angry when we waste away time and talents not living for his glory but you cannot read one account in the Bible where God doesn’t love us ALL with an unconditional… ABSOLUTELY NO CONDITIONS kind of love 💗 ! NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE, Don’t waste another minute without him in your life! It truly is the most precious love story I’ve ever experienced!
Until Next time,