Up to this point in my life, I lived in a natural state of crazy. Never knew how I would pay bills or get to the next paycheck and when I would go to the grocery store I would call it the “swipe and pray”. I would swipe my card and pray it would get approved. Somedays it did and other times we left without the groceries. I was constantly looking for the next love of my life and of course the drinking never slowed down. In April of 2013, I was introduced Jason Johnson or “Big Country” through a mutual friend. Of course, I thought he was so cute but when I found out he had his poop in a group, I figured it was a long shot. I mentioned to my friend that I thought he was cute, and she grabbed my phone and messaged him. We started talking on a Monday, met Thursday night and went to Durango for sushi and dancing that Friday. He was as precious as could be and I was as crazy as could be. I say I was 10 shades of crazy but if you asked anyone else, it was probably more like 60 or 70 shades if we are being honest. HAHA
We waited until after date number 1 to be sexually active and if he didn’t want to stay the night or had other plans, I would immediately take it as rejection. I picked fights about anything and everything but there was something different about this guy. He would not fight back. I thought there was no way he could love me if he wouldn’t fight with me. Love equaled chaos and anger in my mind and this guy was not matching up. I was so dysfunctional in my thinking. I was supposed to go camping with his family over the 4th of July but instead I went out of town to party. On my way back home, we broke up over a text. There was clearly no way we would ever get along because I wanted to fight, and he didn’t. I also was a heavy smoker during this time and as I was driving home, I could not smoke a single cigarette without getting sick. I figured I had drunk way too much the last 48 hours and I was still suffering from the after effects. I got home, and my cousin and I went to get sushi and when we walked in, I could hardly stand the smell. Oh gosh I will never forget the look on my cousin’s face and he said,” dude your pregnant!” I thought to myself, there is no way I am pregnant. I am on the pill, I don’t even like this guy and he hates me and the LAST thing I need getting in my way of this “drunken, do what I want” lifestyle is a baby. Taking that pregnancy test was just as terrifying as the first one when I was 15. Sure, as heck, I was pregnant. I called Jason back and met him at his house to tell him that I was carrying his child. Could life get any worse? Like for Reals? There was no way there was a God up in the sky because he would know this was a terrible idea for anyone involved. After all, Jason and I only knew each other for 3 months. Jason looked at me and said, “I am not raising another child without the mother, so I guess we will make this work.” Awesome! Another baby and another miserable relationship.
I hesitate to write this next part because I know one day my sweet boy will be old enough to read his moms story and it will hurt his feelings so much, but I know God will use it. I had never ever thought of abortion with any of my other pregnancies but with this one, I called the clinic and got all the details. I was ready make my appointment and Jason said NO WAY! As far as I could see, this was a disaster in the making. We would go to appointments and it was so hard because Jason hadn’t even told me he loved me. Matter of fact, he had mentioned he was still in love with his past girlfriend and hadn’t gotten over that yet. I believe his exact words were, “I can’t be in love with two people at once.” I was carrying his baby, living in his house and he hadn’t expressed he loved me. I would say I love you and he would just smile or awkwardly say, “Ahhh thank you.”
Of course, my dad as devastated again and made a phone call to a friend who was a life coach. He figured if we were going to make this work, it was time to start working on the two of us. I was so excited for her to tell Jason how messed up he was and that he needed to change his ways to meet my needs. Ummm… let’s just say, the exact opposite happened. (shocked face) She could see immediately that I had some major issues to overcome before I could be in a normal, healthy relationship and she gave us both tools to cope with the situation.
I’m not sure I can explain in words to you the thoughts that have passed through my mind when I sit back and realize, I was never chosen. Never once did someone fall in love with me and choose marriage or choose me as their wife. We had been stuck together because there was a baby involved and we had to be together. I tell my girls all the time, your purity isn’t just safety for your health, Its safety for your heart, mind and soul. Staying pure wasn’t an old school idea that God had but it remains the greatest modern-day GIFT he has ever given us. I hate that I didn’t experience that, but I pray my kids do. When used outside of the marriage bed, it causes hate and discontent. Sex has caused so much pain from the time I was a little girl until just recently. The more I study Gods word, the more I know I was indeed Chosen. Handpicked by him. Maybe not earthly but eternally. I want to share a journal entry from a few years ago and I hope it is a message to young girls and those who haven’t found “the one” yet to Just wait! Don’t be impatient. God has something so great in store for you and never desires any of his daughters to ask these questions or to have these thoughts. He loves us way too much for that.
And suddenly the feelings of rejection came flooding back and I’m reminded that I wasn’t chosen but that we somehow made it work because that was what was best for our baby! That there was another girl that held the heartstrings to the man that I had already fallen for! The many months “I love you’s” with no response but instead just a small grin of acknowledgement! As I lay here with gratitude that somehow, we’ve made it, I wonder if my husband is lying next to me wondering what if! What if it had worked with her or what if lindsay hadn’t gotten pregnant and I could’ve made it work with “the one!” The feeling of rejection never softens itself and jabs deep every time it comes back! It’s the devils best attempt to remind you that you weren’t necessarily wanted and that there was another before you! His attempt to divide my marriage and cause questions no spouse should ever have to ask! I have no doubt that my husband adores me but who’s to say that one glance, one touch, one small hug couldn’t change it all! That in that instance all those feelings wouldn’t come rushing back! After all, I wasn’t his chosen one! If he could’ve had it his way from the get go, she would’ve come back to confess her love and she’d be lying here next to him right this second as his adored Mrs. Johnson! I will continue to look to God for my acceptance and reassurance that even though I’ve been rejected in so many relationships here on earth that he has always chosen me! Time and time again, he picks me! His love for me after all, is greater than the love any man could ever show me here in this lifetime!! I’m thankful for the marriage I have and the man I get to call mine! I could never imagine loving someone more than I love him! Although sometimes I just wish I had waited until the day someone would say “I choose you!” And mean it with all their heart!
Oh friends, I CANNOT wait to meet you back here Friday because the light so shines. We are on the brink of beauty out of ashes because of the great God we serve. If you are reading this, I pray you have shared it with someone because when God does something incredible inside the hardest hearts, the world must know!
In awe and wonder of the lord most high,