Weight! The subject no one wants to talk about yet the one I think about every single day of my life! I have had an issue with body image as far back as I can remember. I always felt heavier than the girls around me and in junior high began experimenting with my first eating disorder. I was playing volleyball and running more than I ever had before and couldn’t imagine why I’d eat food. Seemed silly to workout so much then eat food that could potentially make me “fat”. I didn’t realize the harm I was putting my body through and the lasting effects that it would have for years to come!
During my second marriage I gained 100 lbs. Food was so comforting to me and a daily diet included fried beans, tortillas, cheese, milk, lard, fried potatoes and anything else that you could fry, we ate! (Can’t imagine why I gained so much) Maternity clothes went from being for pregnancy, to my everyday wear. I used to look back at pictures of me I high school and think “if only I could be a size 10 instead of a 22.” The problem was I hated myself and I had no interest in doing anything to better ME.
When we got divorced I began losing weight but during my last pregnancy with Witten, I gained weight and found myself back in the 220’s. When witten was still a baby I decided it was time to kick it in gear and get healthy. I began with eating better and exercising daily. At first I just wanted to get out of the 200’s and I did! Then I wanted to get to the 170’s but when I got there I decided I needed to be in the 150’s. I have now arrived in the 150’s and I find that I am frustrated that I can’t get to the 140’s.
Yesterday I went to try on some jeans and I grabbed the 7/8 that I always do. I put them on and they were too big so I had to grab the 5/6. (That should be enough to make any woman happy) When I put them on, in my eyes, I looked so chubby. Jadyn kept saying, “mom I love those” and “mom you look great! they make you look so tiny!” How in the world was she seeing tiny when I was honestly seeing HUGE? *sigh* Why isn’t 154 good enough? Why can’t I remember how badly I felt at 220?
If I have body imagine issues can you imagine our kids? Scrolling through social media and seeing nothing but airbrushed women in a filter? When will good be good enough? When will I actually be satisfied with my weight or my pant size or most importantly MYSELF? I know I’m not the only female who feels too heavy or too chubby or like she could always look better like “so and so”!
Yesterday when we left the store, it really hit me that I have to come to a place I am happy with being me. It’s the comparison game that we all know is so dangerous that I find myself getting caught up in. So I decided I am going to pray every single day that God would change my heart and my eyes. That I begin to see what my daughters, my husband and my God see when they look at me! That I could have a heart of gratitude for a body that is healthy rather than being disgusted with a body that isn’t solid muscle!
I believe as women, we truly have to find compassion for those other women in our lives and work everyday to tell them when we see their beauty. Today I am thankful for a body that has carried four very healthy babies and delivered them into this world without breaking down.
What are you thankful for? What the world sees as imperfect, God sees as his precious child that he sowed together in his perfect image! You are so beautiful and I hope you begin praying with me to see and actually begin to believe that same thing about YOU!!
Pssst…. Get Rid of Weighted Down Thoughts with Gratitude And for heaven sakes EAT THE COOKIE!! ❤️