Happy New Year’s Eve! The day that we swear off all sugar and carbs, sign up for the gym and vow to lose that pesky 25 pounds we have been meaning to lose since 2010. Maybe you are vowing something a little different but when I think of New year’s, I always think of weight loss. For me personally, of course I would love to lose some weight or get into better shape, but my goals are more about my heart than my hips. (lord only knows they both need some work). The word that I want to define this next year is passion.
Two and half years ago, on July 22nd, I made the decision after a long night out drinking, that I was going to not drink for thirty days. I had made this same plea several times before and I made it a day or two and then I was right back into getting blackout drunk. The very next weekend we were headed out on a camping trip where I would usually drink my own 24 pack of bud light lime EACH day. My husband laughed when I told him my thirty-day plan and thought I would never follow through. Sure, enough I didn’t drink. That thirty days has turned into two and half years without alcohol. I learned during this experience that making small, obtainable goals was a much better path to success. If I had said I will never drink again all the days of my life, I am not so sure I would’ve stuck to my guns and honestly, I would’ve probably laughed at that plea myself.
Four years ago, I weighed 220lbs and eight years ago, I was closer to 265lbs. Trust me when I tell you that I know all about the weight loss resolutions and the struggle of going year after year wishing I had done something I said I was going to do to lose weight. Weight loss was the same way as drinking. If I had looked at the scale and said I need to lose 110lbs, I would’ve been so overwhelmed by that number, I would’ve quit long before I reached my goal. I took it 10lbs at a time and here I am four years later at 110lbs lighter.
So here is where the heart problem comes in. I stopped drinking, I lost the weight, I gained the confidence I needed to no longer subject myself to alcohol to fill that void and I bought the size 4/5 jeans. So… what is the problem? The problem is that I find myself still unsatisfied. The feeling of needing more. I look to other sources of relief such as coffee instead of alcohol. I want to lose 15 more pounds and I want every piece of extra skin taken off my body before I can like the way I look. The problem is that my passion to become healthy has turned into obsession to become “perfect” by a worldly standard.
I have always struggled with wanting to be liked by everybody. I want to be accepted by all who know me and that is why I have found myself in so many desperate situations. I have always been willing to do whatever I thought I needed to do to be the most fun, the prettiest, the most loved or just accepted. I look to others for my peace instead of to God. I find my worth often in who likes me or accepts me instead of in who God already declares me to be.
It is so funny because I talk to my kids about this stuff all the time and here, I am in my quiet time with God, and he pulls out the same stops and same questions. “Lindsay is it worth losing me to follow the world? Are you dependent on that coffee to get you through the day or are you looking to me? Are you spending more time food prepping and working out than you are with me? Have you left one addiction to pick up another, less obvious ones? The world will leave you empty but my love will remain forever.” UGH! Yeah, he does that to us in times of searching doesn’t he? I want to be PASSIONATLY in love with God and that obsession/ addictive personality to be healed. I want to drink a cup of coffee because I want one not because I must have one to get through the day. I want to look in the mirror and see beauty because I know what He says about me.
If you have ever felt addiction, you know the obsession I am talking about. It consumes your every thought and can shut down your ability to function. I want to be free from that completely. The need to be accepted, loved, skinny enough, energized enough or loved enough. I know without a doubt where it comes from and now it is time to draw near, have a heart change and turn obsession back into passion. That is the beauty that would satisfy me long after 2019. Whatever your resolution is, I hope it is obtainable and the focus is to draw you nearer to the only thing that will satisfy your EVERY need.
Thank you for allowing me to be so open and honest with you. I am learning that our walk with God never is complete until the day we are with Jesus in heaven. Because of his unending grace and mercy, I can share my life with you. I pray that you would have the most abundant year you have ever experienced.
With SO MUCH Love
Happy New Year,