Today I write to you because you and I have had some very difficult seasons. There have been many days that our conversations have brought so much anger and hurt. How did it get there I would often ask myself? I would lay in bed and wonder how I went from your baby girl to the girl who didn’t match up to your husband? You chose him! Abandonment would be the first word that came to mind when I thought about you for so many years. I’d wonder if you missed me as much as I missed you. We all have a parent that we are so much closer to and its no secret that you were always mine. I was a momma’s girl to my core.
Momma, I didn’t just love you because you were my mom. I loved you because you were my safety net, security blanket and favorite person. I hated leaving you because in my childlike brain, I was so worried that you wouldn’t be ok without me. The day that you got the phone call that I wasn’t coming home because your husband was hurting me, I just knew that it wouldn’t be long until the smell of Design perfume wrapped around me with the assurance everything was going to be ok. Still to this day, I can close my eyes and smell the sweet scent of your hugs.
Not only did you not come, but you chose to stay with him for years after. You missed out on so much. You missed 5th grade graduation and my first day of middle school. Every volleyball game and dance performance. My first dance and homecoming, you weren’t there. My first crush, late night conversations and struggles every little girl has. You weren’t there. Every baby that I brought into this world, I wished you had been there. Marriage and divorces. Heartaches and celebration. Growth and destruction. You weren’t there. Mom I needed you and I wondered for so long, why in the world you didn’t need me?
You came and went as time permitted but up until the you left Richard; you didn’t believe anything I had said was true. You told your family at one point that I admitted I had lied and created chaos between me and my sister. I offered to come to her High school Graduation, and I was told I wasn’t welcome. That awful man was able to adopt my sister and change her last name. I feel sad that she has missed out on such an amazing daddy because of the lies told and sickness caused.
Most of my adult life, any woman who ever showed interest in caring or loving me, I would cling to like a leech. I desired that motherly bond with everything I had. So many of my friends are off on mother daughter trips and I always felt sad I had missed out. I knew the day God gave me my two precious daughters; he was giving me a second chance at that bond.
I cried for you often and most late-night poetry I wrote was based on the feeling of anger and sadness rolled into a ball of rebellion. Oh, momma how I missed you all those years. Tears roll down my face as I write you this letter even at the age of 32. I am a mom and I have grown up, but the pain is still fresh in my mind.
So many people have asked me how I continued a relationship with you all those years you stayed married to my abuser and the answer is this. Mom, I longed for the day that you would awaken and realize what was true and what wasn’t. For the woman who gave me safety to one day return and be a positive memory when we hung up the phone. Most of all, I WANTED YOU!
I write this letter because I have had to work through forgiveness and completely allowing God to heal ever ounce of my heart. I can’t grow until I shed the fear of what lies under letting go. It hasn’t been an easy task because It is no secret, I am stubborn and a bit hardheaded. I know God is asking me to whole heartedly forgive and release all records of anyone’s wrongs. If Satan had it his way, the wounds that a child feels can seem to last so long. It can become the reason many people derail and for many seasons of my life, it fueled my rebellious spirit.
Mom I love you and I forgive you…completely. For the hurt and abandonment. For getting caught up in Richards lies and causing separation between me and my sister for so long. For not being the momma, a little girl needs. For not coming when you said you would come and for missing so many life changing milestones. More than anything, for choosing him when I desperately wanted/needed you to choose me.
The bible says that God will cast my sins as far as the east is from the west and because I am being asked to, I do the same for you. You will always be my momma and your hugs will always be the sweetest smell. I trust that you will never hurt me intentionally again and that when you say you will come that you will indeed come. I am so grateful for the grace that God has shown both of us through this healing time and I pray that through the process, you will come to know Jesus and fall madly in love with him.
Momma I love you as much as that little 10 year old girl did the day you hugged me and put me on a plane headed to Farmington NM for the last time! I can’t wait to make new memories with you!
I’ll always be your little girl,