Today I write you not as the scared little girl you used to intimidate but as the strong women of God who is ready to make peace! Someone really wise once told me that forgiveness isn’t for the person who hurt you. It is for the well being of your heart, soul and mind.
When you walked into my moms life, I was only 4 years old and I was playful and friendly! You took that and saw that as an opportunity to prey on me like fresh meat. As an entrance to gain access into my mother’s life. Looking back, I have no doubt that you had preyed on women with young girls before. We weren’t the first and I’m sure we haven’t been the last.
You were too good at what you did and way to comfortable at sexually abusing me to be a newbie at what you did. You never hesitated that hot summer afternoon. You were waiting for the perfect time and opportunity. You were in black jean pants and that denim shirt you always wore. You started in the kitchen with my back against the door. We started slow with just showing me your privates and making me touch you but as we moved through the “tour of that house,” you progressed in the severity of abuse.
I’ve struggled with anger for myself because I didn’t stop you that day or immediately tell my mom. As a 5 year old little girl, I didn’t quite understand what was happening.
I’m not going to go into detail about the fear that grew in my heart like a wild fire grows in a drought filled forest. You remember better than anyone how you used intimidation and punishment to make me do what you wanted me to do. I can’t even remember how many times I got grounded for “calling you names” when is try to flee from you or the amount of things you bought me as long as I promised to fulfill your fantasies when we got home.
You set me up for a life filled with sexual confusion and anger. You built a wedge between me and the one woman who
I adored more than any other person on this planet. She was my lifeline, my best friend, my comfort zone, my mommy! You took her away from me and turned my sister against me for years. You used mind games and manipulation to get what you wanted and for years it appeared you had won.
I’ve carried anger for so long for you. Disgust and pure hate well up inside me at the sound of your name. You are a monster untamed and out of control.
If someone would’ve asked me a few years ago, I would’ve told them that I hoped you died a cold hard death. Today though, I’m a different woman! Today, the tables have turned. What Satan used against me as a stumbling block to try and destroy me, God has used for the biggest come back and impact. The pain you created, God has used as the creation of a great ministry! You may have thought you’d won the battle for years. Satan always uses smoke and mirrors to lure his victims.
But, Richard, today I write to you because in order for me make peace within, I must forgive you for the evil you brought into my life through sexual abuse for 5 years of my young life. For stealing away my childlike wonder. I forgive you for tearing my mom and my sister from the palm of my hand. I forgive you for the times that you got to celebrate the most amazing life accomplishments with both of them while I watched from miles away.
One of the greatest joys and biggest struggles of being protected and loved by God, has been realizing that all of his promises, forgiveness, redemption, grace and mercy were meant for me… AND ALSO FOR YOU TOO! He created you. He somehow cares for you with the same love that he cares for me. Humanly I see your sin as one of the worst but he sees it no different that the sin I have committed in my life and he’s forgiven me. There’s a chance that you you too could be healed and be in heaven with me. That’s hard for me.
I’m moving on. Praying for amends for the demons that haunt you. I pray no other child or adult falls victim to Satan’s schemes through your hands. I’m strong and I’m brave! You didn’t break me beyond repair. I’m ready to be done with the hate I have harbored for so long for you!
I offer you my sincerest forgiveness. I wish you no harm. I can now fill that space that you’ve taken for so long with new joys and new love for the amazing things and people who are in my near future!
Because I’ve been forgiven,