Dear Victor,

Have you ever been so angry that the only thing you can do is cry? That is the exact feeling I have every time I think of you and the damage you did while you were here. I can handle myself but what you have left behind is awful. It was like a destructive tornado that flew through our lives, digging up all roots that had been planted and leaving us with only pieces of debris. You were self-absorbed and it’s been said of you many times that when your mouth was moving, you were lying. You were a master manipulator and one of the meanest men I have ever come face to face with.  You were the biggest mistake and the greatest lesson wrapped into the same person.

When I met you, I was a newly divorced 18yr old who was ready to see what this world was all about. Again, I found myself in a season of weakness because I didn’t have any idea who I was or what I stood for. You were a sweet talker and I was smitten by you. Everyone around me could see that we were toxic but being where I was, I loved every minute. I always wondered how girls got sucked into abusive relationships and then I woke up one day, and I was that girl. You never broke any bones, but you put me in the hospital one time and left marks all over my arms. It was almost like you were leaving a sign that I was taken property.

You couldn’t stand Jadyn and as cute as that baby girl was, she really couldn’t stand you either. She didn’t fit into your life and so slowly but surely, I began pushing her out of mine. I wanted to please you at all cost, but I learned years later that I could have never pleased you. Thanks to my precious family and her dad’s family, she was always loved and taken care of.

Victor a select few of the MANY moments that are burned into my memory are you leaving me at the hospital after giving birth to our daughter. Or leaving me on I-25 with a newborn and 3 yr. old until a family friend came to get us 8 hours later. The times you said you went to “workout” for 5-6 hours. The day you gave me 3 times the dosage of pain medication after surgery so I would sleep all day, leaving you a full day and night to do whatever you wanted. Keeping me from my family and causing me to miss my last thanksgiving with my grandpa and the wedding day of Aspen and Pete. The entire tax return you spent on a new car stereo system when my dad was having to send us money for diapers and formula. The count less times I found women’s underwear in your trunk and then receiving the silent treatment for the next several days for accusing you for cheating. For physically forcing me down to perform sex acts that were not permitted for six weeks just days after giving birth. Dealing drugs out of the house that your wife and children lived in. Finding out about the extensive porn addiction you had to a site titled “stepdaughters being F%&* by their stepdads”. The Constant cheating, lying, stealing money and lord knows we could go on. If we covered everything over just the seven years we were married, I would be here for days.

It wasn’t until after I filed a restraining order and pressed charges against you, that you finally left town. It was one of the most freeing feelings ever not having to worry about whether you would be stocking me in town or showing up threatening me at work. It was as though bricks had been lifted off my chest. I was terrified of you. It gives me chills to think of the feeling of you on my heels right before you would catch me, grab me by my arms and shake me until you got your point across.

All the above is terrible but none of it left behind as much damage as your words. You constantly degraded me and put me down. You told me how ugly and disgusting I was. That no one would ever want me or love me. I remember you telling me how worthless I would be if I ever was a single mom of 3 kids from two different men. That I better “stay here because this is the best I would ever get.” You told me that I was fat and stupid. Irresponsible and incapable. Nothing but a “worthless dropout slut from Farmington.” I would never be able to make anything of myself.

You promised Isabella you would come and time after time you didn’t show up. I can still see her with her suitcase and those two pigtails. She would sit there forever waiting on you forever. I would ask her if we could leave because I knew you weren’t coming and that look of devastation never got easier to console. After you left, I was so thankful that she was able to spend time with you for two extended periods of time so she could see the real you. You put her in the hospital for 2nd and 3rd degree burns, then left her in the hospital by herself all day until I arrived. The second time she came home covered in sores down her throat caused by extreme stress. I don’t have to tell her what kind of person you were because she got to see it for herself.

Up until the day you passed away, you were lying to me. The last conversation we had, you said you were shipping Brogans birthday gifts and you needed my new address. I told you to ship them to my dads and you called back to confirm they had been shipped. Guess what? They never arrived. SHOCKER!! 

I convinced myself at one point that you had potential to be a good man. That If I gave you enough of what you wanted, that one day, you would LOVE me. I desired that from you so much, but the problem was that you never loved anyone as much as you loved yourself. You were here on this earth for you and you alone. From your gang banging days to your absent fathering, you never truly cared or respected life.

We have days of sadness that I must walk Isabella through, but she has a real daddy now. One that says he’s going to come and then actually shows up. A man that tells her he loves her and means it to his core.  Before I end this, let me first say thank you for the two precious babies you gave me! You wouldn’t recognize either one. They are smart and funny! So much different yet so much alike! I’m so proud of the young woman Isabella has become. She is gorgeous and highly intelligent! Brogan is smart and funny! Into everything you weren’t. I often wonder if you were removed from our experience to save him the rejection, he would’ve received from you! He’s blonde and has bright blue eyes! You didn’t connect to him from the moment he was born because he looked nothing like you. Jadyn will be a junior and she is bold and confident! Your meanness and demeaning tone towards her turned her into quite the strong young woman! She doesn’t put up with much crap, but boy does she have a hard time trusting men!

You wouldn’t even recognize me today. I have lost so much weight and slowly but surely, I am learning to truly love myself. My confidence is gaining, and I am married to somehow who loves me for me… Babies, exes, crazy past and all. The greatest change I have made in my life since you left, is falling desperately in love with God. I don’t depend on other’s opinions to get me through anymore because I know who created me and how much he adores me. He has taken the hurt and destruction and turned into a testimony that glorifies him.

Victor I have hated you for so long but today, I want to forgive you and release that anger. For the words that cut so deep and the pain you left but never made right. For the affairs and lies. The manipulation and the abuse. I know now, it wasn’t ever me, but it was you that was lacking in love. I pray your soul rests in peace and that you repented and accepted Christ before you took your last breath. You no longer have any stronghold over me! I lay it all down at the feet of Jesus!  You definitely knocked me down, but I got back up!

CAPABLE, WORTHY and STRONGER Than Ever,

Lindsay!

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  1. Thank you for sharing your powerful story. I spent a year in the most toxic relationship. I was beaten on a daily basis. I was stabbed, and had to listen on the phone as he called for help to dispose of my body. Luckily, the person on the other end of that phone told him that if I wasnt already dead, it would be stupid to kill me. He packed all of my things, put me in a truck, drove me to the hills, emptied the things into a pile. Raped me, beat me, and left. Giving me a head start and a chance to live if I could outrun him. I managed to get to a home, and from there a ride to a hidden home. He hurt my infant son. I didnt see it, couldnt believe he was capable. I always thought I deserved the beatings, but nothing a 6 month old could do could deserve hand prints on his back. He told me you refused to be 2nd in my life. I was scared for my sons life, so I left him with my mother and returned to him. I went to the DV shelter, but he found me, told me to come out or hed come in
    So I left, and immediately took the beating of a lifetime. When he left me locked under the crawl space of his grandmas home for hours. I thought I’d die there. Then I discovered his plans to kill me, dismember me, and leave my body in that crawl space. I finally left. But the nightmares, the memory of him taking wire cutters to my toes, of punching me in the face with nails in his fist, the stabbing,and worst of all, keep leaving my child to protect him, but feeling to worthless to leave him myself. When I finally leftr he told me there would come a day when my son wouldnt make it home…and I’d remember …I’d know…it was him. I finally got the courage to press charges, to testify. Once he knew he no longer had me broken, he took a plea deal for my stabbing. 4 years was his sentence. There are still days I worry about my child rising his bike or walking home from school, I pray he never follows through, that he got the help and has forgotten my existence. I know if ever he came after me…I would fight. Im no longer a victim and refuse to ever be one again. He did not win. I am not that same girl. I will not be cowed, will not let his voice replaying in my head control my actions. We survived him and I will not live in anger or fear. It’s been 15 years, it’s time for me to let go to forgive. Thank you Lyndsay for sharing your story. God bless you. #survivornotvictim

    • Wow girl!! What a story! I’m so sorry you were put through that I will pray for you as you release that anger. It’s never for them but to release the heaviness from ourselves. It’s time and I know you will be blessed by it! Keep shining

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